Today, I decided to learn if a girl I dated a few years back was still alive.

I don’t mean “I wonder if she’s still around” or “I wonder what she’s been up to.” I literally mean I wanted to find out if she’s still alive, I wanted to know if she was literally dead.

A few years back, she got mixed up with a drug dealer who I have good reason to believe was giving her free marijuana laced with methaphetamine. The reasons are many, which includes having a sample tested of the free marijuana provided to her by this drug dealer, and her behavior which I’ve come to learn through my peer advocacy is classic “meth addict” behavior.

To save myself, I left her. To save myself, I haven’t searched her out. Today, I felt stronger than I have in a long while, and a huge part of that is the strength I feel being with my best gal. Today, I felt strong, and today, I decided to see if she was dead.

Let me share with you this harshness. There’s something completely awful about googling for an obituary that you hope isn’t there, and dreading that the obituary exists.

Today, I learned she is not dead. Today, I learned she has graduated from college and has a wonderful career. She always had this strength in her, and I’m truly stoked that she found this strength.

Today, I can lay to rest any residual guilt I’ve felt all these years, and today I can move forward knowing that she’s doing great for herself.

Today is a good day, a very good day. Today is a great day.

Typing this, I’m smiling. And that rocks.