I’ve got a few FB groups of varying success, if success is measured in the gross numbers of people I don’t know but we have vaguely similar interests. Like every other ego-driven sodsucker on FB, the value of my group is measured in number of members, and by extension my value as a human being is measured in the success of my groups.

Some call it just an internet fan club, but apparently they’ve never had love in their lives because there’s no greater measure of love than gross numbers… people I don’t… it’s love dammit. A quality love, not like that cat thing that feels conditional love withheld is true love, as your anxiety jacks up as the cat thing refuses to come out from under the bed. How are your abandonement issues doing? When was the last time you saw your parents? In line for the Dumbo ride, all distracted by pretty colors and chirpy music? Bet you wish had a FB group.

In any case, I was talking with one of my fellow admins that I know marginally better because we’ve met on zoom and I’ll never say MISSOURAAAAAAHHHHH. I asked him, “So when will our group be successful? How will we know that love is finally ours?”

The answer:

1000 members.

Before 1000 members, everyone can see us scratching out a meek presence, where 657 takes three weeks to get to 661. Everyone can view this and judge us as you would a pathetic teenager whose dream profession is “influencer” and whose retirement plan is “lottery.” Eking out those traceable numbers is embarrassing, particularly because the interest is only generated by shotgun spray mass invites to people who have no interest in Route 66 because we “met” through a FB support group for sufferers of patheticism in full public view. Maybe three people of 200 will join. Success… no. There is no quantified love. Yet.

So after 17 months of begging people to join (very few people actually seek us out and find specifically us and request to join), finally 1000 members is achieved! And the shame is hidden. At 1000, no longer are individual joins tallies out for all to see. Now, the tally is “1K.” And if another 17 months brings in another 100 members, now it’s tallied as “1.1K.” Slow growth and soul-wreckage shame hidden in plain site!

  1. 1K. That’s when love is achieved. So there’s your answer on FB group success. Invite your friends you don’t know, please.