The world needs its euphemisms and alternative nomenclature. This is especially true of stuff and things icky or uncomfortable. Let’s give a few examples from our friends in Australia.

Here is one stuff and one thing that can be both icky and uncomfortable… garments you wear over the pelvic region of your anatomy. Swimwear and/or underwear. I will give you the standard American version of these two clothing items…

  1. Speedos (like what Olympian dudes wear)
  2. Thong (like the women’s underwear/swimwear that fits neatly betwixt the butt cheeks)

And now I will give you the Australian euphemisms…

  1. Budgie Smugglers (a budgie is a larger version of a parakeet)
  2. Fart Spiltter (………..)

I love the Australians. Did you know their 2010 Census came back with Jedi as the third largest religion in Australia? I love the Australians.

In part – or even in large part – I love the Australians because as a culture they are so adept with what I lovingly deem “Word Art.” Words are so agile and so underused. Fart splitter… c’mon, that paints the most wonderful image in the mind temple, yes? And in larger part, I love the Australians because the marriage of Word Art and irreverence is so natural.

With not so much a emulation and rather an independently parallel development, I am quite agile and useful of language and words. Clare believes me to be the Picasso of Word Art. Or the Gary Larson of Words Art. I like the former.

She and I are kicking it just now, and I’ve asked her to give me some examples of Word Art that tickled her fanciful fancy. And here … we … go …

  • Moonman Language (when I don’t like what someone is saying then they are speaking Moonman Language)
  • Vomiting Rainbows (example: I’m in a severe bipolar depression and some kind friend says “Try smiling instead of frowning” or “Don’t worry, everyone gets down sometimes” or “Have you tried NOT being depressed?”)
  • Free-Range Hipster (someone who makes me feel all stabby when I’m at Goodwill)
  • Sucking the crap out of the ass of an electric eel (a comparative of what you suggest I do and what I’d rather be doing)
  • Fairy Tale Climate Change Symposium (go here)
  • Tag & Release Peer Registration (I’m going to have folks on MHRAC etc. torqued at mentioning this one

And just now Clare asked if I’ve ever had a pierced nipple. My reply?

Pierced nipple? No way. I’m too pretty for accent holes.

There’s always somewhere I’m going with the expositional rambling. And here’s where I’m going. Once upon a dreary winter’s twilight whence Word Art was rife and the parking lot of Walmart beckoned, I stepped out of my car and nearly hefted my booted foot atop a dirty diaper left tightly wrapped in the empty space nearest my Jeep.

I exclaimed, “F***!!!!!!! I almost stepped on a Walmart Burrito!!!!!!!!”

This a funny tale and spontaneous Word Art (pretty much all my Word Art is spontaneous… and poorly thought through). I share this tale of Walmart Burrito widely because icky and uncomfortable is easily deflected with a nicely timed bit of Word Art.

Most folks laugh at this and say “Dude, you’re gross!” But c’mon, how many people have almost stepped on a diaper in a Walmart parking lot? It’s such a commonality that folks immediately know what I’m talking about when saying “Walmart Burrito.”

Once upon a dreary winter’s twilight, I told a dude about the Walmart Burrito yarn, and he crossly stated, “That’s racist. You’re a racist.”

Er. What?

Unless I missed something so obvious, I wasn’t aware Walmart was a sovereign nation, you know, like Walmartistan or Walmartslavia. How can making light of a dirty diaper in a store’s parking lot be racist? So unless Walmart is a walled country within a country like Vatican City or a fairy tale land that is only rumored to exist like Canada, “Walmart Burrito” makes no disparaging, culturally-slanderous implication or suggestion.

Oh, wait. I get it. It’s the “burrito” part. That might be construed as “Mexican food” and thusly I’m making fun of Mexicans. That’s what it must be. Well, in Mexico, by and large, the word “burrito” doesn’t exist in everyday vernacular. The same sort of food is called a “burro.” “Burrito” is primarily an Americanized version of “burro.” And since it is an American food that is part of our American experience… I guess I’m making fun of Americans and America?

Fine. Let’s try out some other goodie-filled wrapped foodstuffs that are “ethnic yet American.”

  • Walmart Big Mac
  • Walmart Whopper
  • Walmart Gyro
  • Walmart Swarma
  • Walmart Pot Pie
  • Walmart Calzone
  • Walmart Corn Dog
  • Walmart Taco
  • Walmart Chalupa
  • Walmart Enchirito
  • Walmart Burrito

Read those over. All American cuisine, each and every item. And of those, Walmart Burrito is the most descriptive and appropriate in terms of Word Art.

I’m not so concerned about being called “racist” for coining “Walmart Burrito.” This came from the same goofball who said “You tried to make me kill myself.” The synaptic strength of the logic fails with prescient predictability.

What are you eating under there?

Under where?

I thought as much. With skidmarks?