Just prior to September 11, 2001, our nation was reeling from some of the most shocking, horrible scandals and scares we as a freedom-loving nation have ever faced. Britney Spears dancing suggestively with a live snake, on live television where impressionable youngsters might also learn to dance suggestively with a live snake; Shark attacks all up and down the Eastern Seaboard, although statistically there was no abnormal spike in the number of shark attacks compared to any prior year with shark attacks all up and down the Eastern Seaboard; Our U.S. Congress holding a liberty-shattering official congressional investigation, with Kellogg’s greedy feet held to the coals for their cereal price extortion of the good, honest, and hardworking American moms and dads who sweat blood to put Apple Jacks on the table for their kids every morning. This was some serious shit, dudes and dudettes. How we ever made it through the year prior to September 11 is an unimaginable miracle.

Could there be anything worse than Britney, snakes, sharks, and congressional inquiries into cereal prices? How did the fabric of our democracy stay from ripping asunder, plunging us into uncertainty about what to be needlessly pissed off about next? Or were we just making up cow-squeeze excuses to be mad about this and scared about that because we were bored and America can’t breathe deep the sweet sweet nectar of freedom without a contrived scandal?

I bring you the world prior to June 12, 2016:

Point taken? Good.

My heart goes out to the good people of Orlando, Florida. Don’t worry. I’m still coming to Disney World. Nothing will keep me away from your fine city.