My buddy Russ has this theory. It’s a cruel theory if aesthetic-judgment bothers you. If not, take it at face value, or don’t value it at all. I don’t have to explain myself to you.

So his theory is one he’s termed “Hot Girlfriend Leapfrog.” Curious what this means? I was, too, the first time he told me about it. Then I was morally outraged by its cruelty. Then I was moderately amused by its audacity. Then I was just bored because that’s the way things go with Russ. In any case . . .

The way this theory goes is I alternate from mundane to mucho bueno to mundane to mucho bueno to mundane to mucho bueno to mundane to mucho bueno to mundane to mucho bueno to mundane to mucho bueno in terms of girlfriends.

See? He’s cruel. But he’s my friend not yours and I don’t have to defend him to you.

Now, he’s been keeping tabs on the last fifteen years of my dating history, and he’s always been a very bright young man who is now over 50 (ha! you’re old!), and try as I might want to argue away his theory, there is an inkling of legitimacy in his observations . . . although cruel might be his theory, there’s something more disturbing about a man who watches with data-specific intrigue another man’s dating history for fifteen years.

My buddy Russ is way creepy. Or possibly he’s harboring a homosexual crush on me and is envious of the women I’ve been dating.

I’m not going to hazard a binary observation of my own because if I’m with a girl it’s because in many ways I find her beautiful. Russ did call earlier saying, “Is it two or three girlfriends since Carlee?”

Ha! Idiot. It’s been five. Or six. See how I covered my arse there? I rock.