My belief is making a “New Year’s Resolution” is an inappropriate time to lay out and plan life goals. What works best for me is when an idea comes forth as a way to better my life, I ditch end-of-year hollow platitudes of self-validation and empty promises of self-improvement and take action as immediately as possible. Waiting for an arbitrary point on a calendar seems foolish. I might get bored with myself, and then lose my momentum and willingness by procrastinating.
I’m done waiting. I’m bettering my life instantly, right now, waiting no longer.
For the past many months I’ve had a stalker. It’s unpleasant. Hold up. It’s actually terrifying. By letting my stalker dictate my choices, and using my good friend to enforce being held hostage, this is terrifying and preying upon my all-encompassing hard-won health. And I work every second of every decade making sure I’m healthy.
If I had a nickel for every one of these seconds, I’d have many nickels and would use them to build a fort or a throne or a theme park where everything costs a nickel. The theme park idea is stupid. Tourists wouldn’t bring their own nickels. They’d just pick away at the buildings and rides and suddenly my theme park disappears in the jingling pockets of pilfering tourists the world over.
Right. Nickels to rest, please ponder this: Even when my friend tries to convince me that my stalker’s constitution is sound, when I’m told “He won’t harm you, it’s just not him.”, what a baseless assurance, telling me my stalker is trustworthy and not prone to poor social choices isn’t going to carry much believability currency. Tell me, in the decade you’ve known my stalker, has my stalker ever stalked anyone else? You’ve told me my stalker hasn’t stalked anyone else. So, what’s your baseline for what my stalker will and will not do? Being told this is new behavior for my stalker, whatever measure you have of my stalker must be recalibrated. Think of it as switching your Facebook and YouTube setting from “old behavioral baseline” to “Steve’s stalker is absolutely terrifying and perhaps if Steve’s stalker ceased petting porcupines against the grain Steve’s stalker wouldn’t be so cranky, devious, and …”
My stalker creeps the crap out of me.
Because humans are humans – we want to see how bad a car wreck is (did anyone die) as we drive past, we want to know precisely why Ben Affleck is getting divorced AGAIN, we judge the severity of a school massacre by the body count – I’m going to feed the beast and spill on what has me so scared:
My stalker is downloading all of my social media posts – Facebook, YouTube, Instagram – as well as my STS site and my personal blog.
This might not seem like a big deal, and I assure you it is. See, my stalker is using my posts to bully my friend. My stalker is using my web presence to control her important life choices. My stalker is using my posts to abuse her and my stalker threatens to take legal action to steal her kids and leave the state. If I could hug my stalker – right now, right here- I would do so with all my heart and from the bottom of my bottomless heart. Big hug and a bucketful o’ slobbery kisses. And I’m lying. No hugs for my stalker.
Worsening even further my stalker’s abuse of my friend, my stalker ensures my friend relays my stalker’s tactics and actions, relaying just exactly what my stalker has done and how my stalker is going to use it against her.
It’s common for the victims of abuse to defend their abuser.
“He’s got depression, too, and he takes antidepressants, so you should understand what he’s going through.”
“He’s really not a bad guy. He’s just under a lot stress.”
“Please don’t post anything to Facebook and YouTube. He is just going to download everything.”
This type of abusive control I’ve endured with an ex-wife so angelic I want to strangle her with her own halo. I know what my friend is contending with, I feel her uncertainty, faltering, and fear. I get it. I’ve been there.
You rightfully ask, “So how are your stalker’s choices hurting you? Your stalker is grabbing stuff you make public anyway. If anything, your stalker’s choices are no more than light, harmless internet stalking. Where’s the crime in that?”
My stalker’s diseased behavior is using my friend’s fear to control not only her. My stalker is using my friend to control me. and this is directly affecting choices I make. It seems so ludicrous now, stepping back, and seeing how second-guessing myself over a potential Facebook photo is profoundly affecting my mental health … and consequently my physical health.
Please, don’t discount that my worries are unfounded or no big deal. Because the stalking is on the interweb I can’t catch my stalker hiding in my bushes. If I have my phone with me, my stalker is right there with me inside my pocket. And the not knowing… the anxiety and dread is constant. Reinforcingly, my mental health and physical health is now compromised by allowing my stalker to control me.
Bullying and controlling me ends now. I won’t be controlled by a stalking bully any longer. I made this promise to myself leaving my marriage. I won’t be emotionally abused by anyone. Never again.
I’ve had three weeks to invest considerable time, effort, and emotion into sorting out how I best move forward, and crucially, how am I going take back the power and control I gave my stalker over me.
Simple. I’m now using my social media and websites the way I want. My stalker is not even the most miniscule thought for whether I post or not. My stalker isn’t here with me. My stalker is every shade of nothingness.
I make no excuses for my emotions and I own my choices, I chose to allow my stalker to hold domain over my emotions, my health, my mind, my body, and all of me. I’ve learned to trust my emotions and understand them. I’ve had to become a perpetual student of myself. Bipolar and CPTSD symptom management makes this unavoidable. It’s like how air and Trump are the same. You can’t avoid either while still breathing.
What I can avoid is Daniel.
There you go … your human nature for the macabre is now satiated. His name is Daniel.
And how do I avoid Daniel? I don’t allow Damiel any power over me by proxy-bullying me and how I express myself online. Daniel does not control me. Self-empowerment demands this of me.
That’s all. That’s it. Resolution and solution hand in hand. I feel so much more myself again. Please, no comments on potential libel. I’m very comfortable with my choices. I’m also comfortable in these jeans that fit over the summer and then stopped fitting as I put on an early “winter coat.”
Oh, yes… just wait a sec while I get a handle on this. Okay, this is the relatedly tangential thought. I’m trying very hard to keep my “winter coat” from chasing me away from favorite clothes and the stuff I enjoy. I’m giving my midsection power over me. I can make this go away.
Just like how I’ve made Daniel go away. Poof. Facebook and YouTube, here I come.
“Daniel! Daniel! Daniel!”
I was going for a Beetlejuice incantation. It never hurts to have a back-up solution.
Post script: I’ve blocked Daniel on social media. And still, information gets back to Daniel. The logic is sound: Either I accepted a friend request from a bogus account Daniel created to get around being blocked (an example image below) or I accepted a friend request from someone willing to help Daniel stalk … with the third option being I left SOME interweb posts “public”, but not all.
Post post script: I attribute a weighty part of my worsening bipolar and CPTSD symptoms on allowing Daniel to control me. How stupid am I? I’ve been sacrificing my health by protecting my stalker. My reactionary emotions feel much like my marriage in how my CPTSD and bipolar symptoms are at the fore. I’ve been wanting to kill myself for weeks. I’m Dolty McDolt from Doltsville, Doltsylvania.
Post post post script: Just composing and publishing this article feels like the three-foot thick prison of solid granite I’ve allowed myself to he trapped in … it feels like all that rock has crumbled away. I’m making the right choice.
Post post post post script: I’m excited! I finally can share happy stuff I’ve supressed for months. Doing this has literally (very literally) impacted my health. So excited! Going to start now!