Thank you, Toilet Paper Hoarders. Calculating how many sheets per day and how rolls per week any single person needs is the most math I’ve done since fifth grade. My brain is hurty now.

There’s more. Much more. These Toilet Paper Hoarders, they are responsible for more than just my hurty brain. This week, these Toilet Paper Hoarders are largely responsible for the jacked up anxiety and triggered OCD of peers already wobbly in this COVID-19 worldwide crisis.

For all the stress, strain, anxiety, fear, worry, tears, insomnia, angst, misery, and uncertainty their panic buying has forced upon fellow Anericans, Toilet Paper Hoarders at the very least owe an apology to those of us who refrained from stampeding Costco. There are people suffering rough mental stability now that the existence of toilet paper has fallen into the realm of myth, fable, and once upon a time. This anxious suffering is real.

Nicely done, Toilet Paper Hoarders. And I’ve yet to hear any Toilet Paper Hoarder offer any explanation and/or any defense of their frenzied decision.

It matters not. They cannot hide. In a few more days we should be able to smell who is and who isn’t a Toilet Paper Hoarder.

At this fortold special moment in American history, where lack of aroma betrays the selfish among us, a mortal debt is owed for every butt lession, every cumulative skidmark, and every anxiety-induced sleepless night endured by those of us with practiced rationality and just plain ol’ common courtesy.

It’s a day of anticipated reckoning and rueing that will be more entertaining than any of the concerts, pub crawls, and sporting events cancelled or postponed. I’ll gladly trade my Live Nation season pass to witness every good ass whuppin’ of every pristine asshole (entendré intended) that led to this ludicrous toilet paper shortage.

Think on it. In our recorded history, panic buying of toilet paper is how Americans responded to the COVID-19 pandemic. This is how Americans will be remembered in these troubled times. Forever. Yay for us.

By the by, I have a new house rule:

Bring your own doodie paper or hold it in.