The Department of Agriculture and Department of Interior jointly announced today the United States has nearly depleted the Strategic National Reserve of pumpkin spice. Speaking on the impending shortage and crisis, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland warned that not only won’t there be enough pumpkin spice available for next year’s seasonal confections, she further projects an ongoing shortage for another ten years beyond 2024. Immediately concerning is the revelation there also won’t be enough pumpkin spice to finish off this year’s seasonal demand.
The world’s leading producer of pumpkin spice, eastern Ukraine, is embroiled in war between a former comedian and a Ph.D economist, effectively cutting off western access to the rich pumpkin spice mines in the region east of Kiev. Pumpkin spice ore from Ukraine runs assay numbers near 105 ounces per ton compared to domestic pumpkin spice ore that runs only 2 ounces per ton.
Department of Agriculture attempts to grow pumpkin spice to supplement mining production have proven difficult. Most experimental crops produce spicy pumpkins instead, popular in Korean dishes and refinable into an industrial petroleum pipeline cleansing solvent. In a muffin, spicy pumpkin tastes like shit and is ouchy to the mouth.
When asked by reporters to comment on the impending shortfall of pumpkin spice, President Biden angrily replied, “Burisma only controls 92% ownership of the Ukraine pumpkin spice properties, I don’t care what a stupid laptop says … I mean, no comment. I’m not joking here. You think I’m kidding. I’m serious. C’mon, man.”
In a separate announcement, the Department of Health and Human Services reports a sudden spike in the suicide rate among white girls living in New England, ages 20 through 33.