Once a thing is qualified it is no longer that thing.

  • Turkey bacon
  • Cake donut
  • Beyond meat

These are foods. These things we know of because these foods are in our lives by choice – or not in our lives by choice. And it is our choice to acknowledge whether or not “turkey bacon” is provably bacon, whether or not a “cake donut” is authentically a donut, and whether or not “beyond meat” is factually meat.

Choice is some people believe these qualified foods are valid. Choice is some people believe “turkey,” “cake,” and “beyond” are synonyms for “fake,” “false,” and “factually bankrupt.” I’m in the camp of the latter. I’m in the camp of once a thing is qualified it is no longer that thing. That is my choice. I can’t be forced to agree “turkey bacon” is actually bacon, a “cake donut” is actually a donut, and “beyond meat” is actually meat. Bacon, donut, and meat have specific meanings.

Let’s examine the importance of the meaning of bacon. Some argue it’s no big deal to call a turkey product bacon, a turkey product that is dressed up pretending to be bacon in smell, taste, and texture. It’s just fine, it’s no big thing, you’re such a snowflake. The truth of this is meaning matters, language is based on meaning, and words are the vehicle of language. Delicious strips of flesh that fries wonderfully filling the home with the aroma of joy and goodness is bacon. Only this is bacon and it comes from a pig and only a pig. This is the meaning of bacon.

Contrasting, the meaning of “turkey” bacon is analgous to “immitation” bacon or “pretend” bacon or “faux” bacon or “pseudo” bacon. Turkey bacon is an imposter at best. The turkey might as well make-up its face like a pig, put on a cute and curly pretend tail, and stroll about mimicking oinks and saying “Look at me! I’m a pig! Oink oink! And you can make me into real bacon! Oink oink! Validate me! Acknowledge me! Change everything you know about bacon so my feelings aren’t bruised! Oink oink! Turkey bacon is real bacon! Gobble gobble… I mean, oink oink!”

A pig doesn’t say “gobble gobble” and never will. And plainly a turkey saying “oink oink” is a mockery of pigs. Bacon does not come from a turkey, and because meaning is key, using “bacon” to describe a processed turkey meat product is not only factually wrong, it is also pigdom appropriation. And we all know any sort of appropriation is totally bad and inexcusably wicked. No exceptions.

Words have meaning and language is important. This is how humans communicate with each other, through agreed words tied to agreed definitions. Once words are qualified outside of this agreement – to encompass more are more unrelated meaning and broader and broader unrelated description – words lose cohesion and purpose. And when these words are tangible facts easily discerned from everyday experience, qualifying words is nothing short of a purposeful attempt at dismantling physical reality. And that’s unacceptable. Words, language, and physical reality are existence.

To summarize: Bacon is bacon. Turkey bacon is not bacon. Words and language matter because words and language have agreed meaning and that’s how we communicate. Society, technology, science, culture, art, and all aspects of civilization depend on words and language having agreed meaning. Words and language are truth, fact, and reality. Truth, fact, and reality are naturally resistant to disqualifying qualification. Cleverly said.

Once you qualify a thing it is no longer that thing.

And being truthful, that turkey isn’t fooling anyone. Even if the turkey goes to the body-mutilating measure of plucking all its feathers, surgically fashioning its wings into front legs and hooves, and undergoes a pigdom-affirming snout implant … even then it’ll never be a pig and isn’t fooling anyone. And a turkey really has an unnaturally high opinion of itself trying to force identifying nomenclature falsehoods everyone else has to go along with.