Last night was taco truck night, and one lass showed a video of their cat enjoying taco meat at home. It was this weird sense of mirth and pride in that video, and how cool it was to have captured such amazement on video for all to see. So she showed it again, giving play by play color commentary of a cat eating meat. Amazement! And others were ooing and ahhing as if they were witnessing the Moon crashing into the sun and the Moon was made of pumpkin spice ice cream and the blazing Sun was the source of all of the goodly pumpkin spice in all the Universe.

And right then I understood how, in October 2011, the number of cat videos on the internet topped the entire cumulative gross numbers of porn videos on the internet. Which leads one to ponder, it’s doubtful the number of people deriving self-satisfaction to online videos had lessened at all at this transition. It shudders me to the bone thinking of cats being romantically arousing.

It’s the only logical explanation, and this logic also makes me want to vomit all this “cat petting” imagery out of my mind. Ew.

So there’s also a correlation betwixt pumpkin spice and cats and cat apologists.

My friends who are the most dedicated cat apologists and are upset with jokes about cats deeply and personally (whether or not it’s about their cat), these friends are also strong defenders of all the pumpkin spice foods choking the shelves at Whole Foods this time of year. Ew.

It’s good info to have. There’s got to be comedy gold to mine from pumpkin spice-flavored cats. Maybe something about thinly sliced kitten meat on a pumpkin spice croissant.

And get this. One of my most pumpkiny spicy cat apologist friends adores pumpkin spice hummus. Ew. To this I’d like to go back in time, find the baby who will grow up and create pumpkin spice hummus, locate this baby’s home, stake out this baby’s home, climb in through an open window away from streetlights in the silence of night, knock out this baby’s parents with overwhelming ether, and with gloved hands and determined intent and creeping into the baby’s room, I will punch this baby in the neck. Bad baby.

Cats and porn and pumpkin spice, life’s innocuous Trifecta of Ew.