I was at a Vans Warped Tour gig many years back. I’m tall, and I like to be up front. That’s my groove. So I got to the stage early and parked myself up against the security rail.

The number of times I’ve heard “Tall people suck!” shouted behind me is of course numerable but hyperbolically it’s innumerable. Look. Listen. I got tall genetics. You got short genetics. Don’t blame me for your parents swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. And, if you want to be in front of me, get there early like I do. Take responsibility for your diminutive stature and plan accordingly.

At this Vans gig, with Falling In Reverse on stage, a dainty lad behind me shouted “Tall people suck!” Yes, okay, heard it before. Even all the way up here I hear your mousy squeal.

But that wasn’t all. He proceeded to push me, kick me, pull the back of my shirt, and squeal all the more. I never had lice in my hair back when I had hair. I imagine this Little Lord Fauntleroy is like having lice. Annoying and itchy and easily banished with a medical shampoo. Or maybe it’s more like using twice the amount of toilet paper as usual because, gosh darn it all, I sure love chicken marsala but this is always the price I pay.

I love being up front at a gig. This is always the price I pay. This time, though, I was getting kicked and shoved. And four songs in I got fed up with it.

For the first time in all the greatly numerable gigs I’ve attended I turned around to address the hater of tallness. I had to crane my neck downward at a most unnatural angle. What and who I saw astounded me. And I let free the first words that came to mind.

“Crikey, I’ve got corn in my shit bigger than you. You’re hardly worth the second wipe.”

That’s who Ukraine President Zelensky reminds me of.

So about the Zelensky invitation to the White House and his pissy little feet stomping in the Oval Office, I have this to say. Zelensky, once a comedian, is not a very good comedian and he’s not at all a good leader . . . although unquestionably he is a joke.

What does he hope to accomplish? What’s his strategy? His diplomatic instinct is to pick a fight with the country that’s armed and funded Ukraine for two years. He has zero leverage from which to negotiate. The smart play is grateful contrition. Nope. Bite the hand that feeds and continue his war with Putin. Unbelievable he’s going to continue murdering Ukrainians in a war he’s already lost.

Running through the options, it’s immaterial how Zelensky behaves towards America. His spat in the Oval Office is weightless. He’s a tiny fish on the world stage who’s been out of his depth since the day he was elected. He was propped up by Biden and Ukraine would have fallen in months if not for American support.

As long as Zelensky is president of Ukraine, let’s just hand him off to our NATO allies. Continue negotiations with Putin. Involve our NATO allies, of course. But just cut him off and sideline him. Wait for Ukraine to elect a reasonable leader cognizant to the reality Ukraine faces. Personally, I’m tired of America changing Zelensky’s diaper.