The concept of “You don’t wear a mask to protect yourself, you wear a mask to protect others” is clumsy. Moving past the obvious errors in syntax, the claim that a mask protects others “more” than yourself is based on two faulty assumptions that are self-contradictory:

1.) The mask you wear weakens the C19 virus more than the mask someone else wears.

2.) A C19 virus has exactly two lives and no more.

Let me explain, starting with the second point first and the first point second.

In order for the stated claim to be true, a C19 virus passes through your mask, taking one of the two lives it owns. Then, attempting to pass through another mask, the C19 sacrifices its second life and everyone walks away safe and uninfected. How is this possible? It isn’t. Viruses don’t work that way.

Further, the bizarre idea of wearing a mask to protect others more and yourself less runs into a paradox of relative mask efficacy. The only way this works is when your mask kills the C19 virus more rigorously than any other mask on any other person’s face. Again, how is this possible? Does the mask I wear have stronger kung fu than your mask because your mask has weaker kung fu otherwise this statement is false so how does your weaker kung fu mask at all best the stronger kung fu of the mask I wear to protect me more unless the magnitude of kung fu differs on whether you’re breathing in or breathing out and that makes zero sense because mechanical filters can’t work this way or you’d get different strength coffee simply by flipping the coffee filter over.

In short, how can the mask I wear be both stronger and weaker than your mask? And how can your mask be both stronger and weaker than my mask? Coffee comes out as coffee regardless.

If this sounds dizzyingly confusing it’s because that is the nature of a self-cancelling paradox. Schrodinger and Back to the Future, eat your heart out.

Of course, this all makes perfect sense if wearing two masks keeps you similarly safe and is most likely why Fauci directs us to wear two masks, because of irresponsible pro-choice individuals. You’ll just need to wear one backwards. It is unclear which mask to wear backwards, though, and I’m certain Fauci is hippity hoppity hot on the trail of this latest scientific conundrum.