Need proof of woke virtue signaling? Go to any Whole Foods parking lot on Sunday afternoon and count how many Subaru hatchbacks (with optional moonroof) and Toyota Priuses (with optional dignity) there are. For bonus points, make note of any petroleum-based vinyl bumper stickers that read:

COEXIST

FREE TIBET

I (HEART) MY LABRADOODLE

NAMASTE

PEACE-WHATEVER

BERNIE

OBAMA

HILARY

BIDEN

IMPEACH TRUMP

NO NUKES

END FRACKING

ANTI-WAR/GUN/RACISM/HATESPEECH/OIL/MINING/LOGGING/MAGA

TOLERANCE

DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION

TRANS-WHATEVER

RAINBOW-WHATEVER

WHATEVER-LIVES-MATTER

TAKE A KNEE

WOMEN’S RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS (these are rare nowadays, most have been peeled and scraped off)

EARTH FIRST

GREENPEACE

SIERRA CLUB

DRAIN POWELL

TAKE ONLY PHOTOS LEAVE ONLY FOOTPRINTS

VEGAN FOR LIFE

PETA

MEAT IS MURDER

MEAT IS MURDER BUT ABORTION IS NOT (confession, I made this one up)

PRO-CHOICE

SAVE THE WHALES/RAINFOREST/DESERT/PRAIRIE/SPOTTED OWL/FOREST/OCEAN/BEACH/MOUNTAINS/VALLEYS/RIVERS/LAKES/OLD GROWTH/SPECKLED NEWT/SILVERY MINNOW/GORILLAS/POLAR BEARS/PLANET

CLIMATE-WHATEVER

GREEN-WHATEVER

DOG IS MY COPILOT

GRETA IS MY COPILOT

GLUTEN KILLED MY GRANDMOTHER (I made this one up, too)

FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRINK MILK (I need to jot down these made up ones)

I LOVE MY CO-OP

RECYCLE-WHATEVER

RENEWABLE-WHATEVER

ELON WAS MY EV HERO UNTIL HE BOUGHT TWITTER AND NOW I WANT TESLA TO FAIL I’M SO CONFLICTED (again, made up)

SOLAR-WHATEVER

WIND-WHATEVER

DRINK BUD LIGHT

TUCK FRIENDLY

420

BUSH LIED

1/6 NEVER FORGET

CNN

GOT VACCINATED?

STAY HOME SAVE LIVES

FLATTEN THE CURVE

IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN YOU’RE NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING SIX FEET (once again, this is something I made up and isn’t real)

FAUCI IS SEXY (I wish this one wasn’t real, but it is)

JUST WEAR YOUR DAMNED MASK!