The Department of Agriculture announced today the United States is nearing full depletion of the Strategic National Pumpkin Spice Reserve. Not only won’t there be enough pumpkin spice next year and projected ten years further, there isn’t enough pumpkin spice to finish off this year’s season.

In other news, the Department of Health and Human Services reports an unexplained spike in the suicide rate among white girls living in New England, ages 20 through 33.

Facebook hall monitor, this is clearly a satirical joke. No one can mistake this for an “inciting self harm” post. C’mon. It’s pumpkin spice. Who would off themselves over pumpkin spice? I mean, who other than New England white girls named Bethany Lynn or Tiffany Anne, ages 20 through 24.