I’ve never seen a single episode of Survivor. Not one. To dismiss an annoying person, I regularly use “You’re voted off the island” but only if I’m not using “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” I’ve also never seen a single episode of The Weakest Link. Not one. So pathetic, my pop culture references are garnered from others who watch TV, gleaned from shows that were popular back when Willie Brown had a surefire way to muzzle Kamala’s annoying voice. I’m only hip by proxy, as if I watched Survivor and The Weakest Link through the eyes and ears of others from over a decade ago.

Speaking of proxies, I shook hands with Tom Arnold once, when he was married to Rosanne. By proxy, my hand was now privy to everywhere Tom Arnold’s hand had historically been. Is it worse envisioning a manually excited Tom Arnold alone for a long time in the lavatory on a trans-Atlantic Delta flight to Frankfurt, or is it worse envisioning the same excitable Tom with Rosanne getting handsy together in the same flying poop shack?

I don’t know how I got here. It’s frightening.