We were watching the original Red Dawn (the Swayze/Sheen one from the 80s), and the sole special feature on the disc is the “Carnage Counter.”

My best theory on this special feature is that Red Dawn was the first movie released to theaters with a PG-13 rating. This new rating was a direct result of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom , a movie that totally rocks out with its socks out, even if it does showcase child slavery and onscreen child floggings. This made parents angry. How dare they depict on film what I do to my kids every other Saturday in lieu of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe on the tele!

Off track went I. Yoda taught me that one.

Red Dawn also featured children being brutalized (and killed), this time high school kids fighting off a military invasion of the American homeland. Where was the Patriot Act when you needed it, right?

So, back to my best theory. This must be an inside joke for the filmmakers, seeing as they lost a huge a chunk of the demographic who would see this flick due the new PG-13 rating. I’ll tell you a secret: None of the Edwards Theaters around where I grew up carded anyone, primarily because who has picture ID with their birth date on it who isn’t also old enough to drive? My I see your ID? No. Why not? Because I’m not 16, and just because I’m not 16 doesn’t mean I’m also not 13, you pukeface dickhole (this is what cussing from 1984 looks like, the same year Red Dawn score a PG-13).

Carnage Counter. Count 1 is the high school teacher, and that is something I would really have liked to have happened to this dillhole Mr. Tuttle who threw a piece of chalk at me and nailed me in the head, right during European History. So I would count that a Wishes Do Come True count and not a Carnage count. Wishes aren’t part of the PG-13 rating, and that is so unfair I want to gag Mr. Tuttle with a spatula, like , omygod. Like, we’re wearing the same exact same legwarmers, like, I’m soooo embarrassed, like, omygod.

Anyway, it was funny, flipping to the special features expecting cast and crew memories run or director/cast commentary or The Patrick Swayze Guaranteed Weight Loss Workout (what, too soon?) and seeing only Carnage Counter. Bravo, filmmakers, for a bitchin’ sense of humor.

And by the by, if you get a Bar Trivia question that asks, “What is the first film to get a PG-13 rating?”, the answer is Flamingo Kid. Red Dawn was the first RELEASED with the new PG-13 rating. Never play Strip Trivial Pursuit with me, unless you’re that girl I have a crush on and you’re really dumb, because I’ve got a life to live and can’t wait around all afternoon until you get through your entire polar expedition suit you think will keep you from being buck naked before me.