Riddle of the Sphinx, step aside. Mankind is making eyes at something new. Namely . . .


Why do dogs latch on and hump human legs?


 

This isn’t meant as an academic dissertation on canine psychology. It’s simply a curious thing, because the last time I looked at my legs in a mirror, they look nothing like a bitch in heat. Nor do they smell like a bitch in heat according to my friend who can smell a bitch in heat within a 22 mile radius. He has a very sensitive nose, so it’s fun farting in crowded elevators with him. And he happens to be very short to boot, gets right in his mouth me being 6’3″.

It’s more the dialog that interests me. The dog saying, “Your lips say no, but your leg says yes. Oh, yes!” And I’m saying, “Dude, get your lipstick off my corduroys!” Think of the texture of corduroy and rubbing up against that. The mutt gets the most embarrassing and painful case of striated rug burn.¬† I don’t know what I did to lead him on . . . what the hell is wrong with that dog?

Don’t over think it. Just sit the pup down at the TV and slap in a 1986 PSA “No Means No” video narrated by Nancy Reagan, or maybe it was James Earl Jones . . . who had to do court ordered community service for killing a Mormon family of eight? The 80s were so long ago, although I’m pretty sure it was Nancy. It just sounds like something she would do.

In any case, have the mutt¬† write a 1000 word essay about what the video taught him and why humping legs is something only the Bill Cosbys of the world would do without asking/roofies dipped in butterscotch pudding. And thank the stars above you weren’t wearing capris and open-toed sandals today.