I’m an adult American white adjacent male who doesn’t enjoy coffee and coffee-based beverages.

And, no, it isn’t because Juan Valdez and his donkey are an industry mascot that’s a moderately race-inspired stereotype. I’m not all that socially invested in denouncing cultural stereotypes, I just don’t enjoy and partake of coffee and coffee-based beverages.

Not enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages has a lovely saving grace. Namely, it saves me from retirement-years stained teeth, it saves me from preordained caffeine addiction, it saves me from arguing over socially responsible fair trade commodities, and it most gracefully saves me from insufferable baristas whining that because of my choice not to tip 43% for a behind the counter minimal service they’ll never make enough money to pay off the $250K in student loans for their intersectionality check-list diversity socialism education culminating in their Harvard post-graduate degree.

Not enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages saves me from all this and more. Relatedly, those enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages worship that First Cup of Morning Coffee, and if they don’t get that First Cup of Morning Coffee, they threaten to ritually murder a coworker in the name of that First Cup of Morning Coffee. It’s a blood sacrifice to coffee and coffee-based beverages. In this way, the mere existence of coffee and coffee-based beverages saves both coworkers being murdered and those who enjoy and partake of coffee and coffee-based from murdering in the name of coffee and coffee-based beverages.

Coffee and coffee-based products, it’s all about the saving. Following the logical white rabbit down the logical white rabbit hole, coffee and coffee-based beverages are the “savior” to all, witting and unwitting alike. It’s logically unavoidable. It’s logically all about the saving. Those who enjoy and partake of coffee and coffee-based beverages and those who abstain from coffee are coffee-based beverages both bear false witness to an insidious bitter bean from afar.

Coffee Saves. WWCD? What Would Coffee Do?

Yes, this savior complex associated with coffee and coffee-based beverages, there’s something fundementally un-American about it. In fact, according to history I’m right now making up entirely inside my own head, it’s thoroughly documented being repeatedly denied that First Cup of Morning Coffee is precisely how Hitler got so grumpy. And we all know how that ended up.

Epiphany.

Hear me out. I’ve got a dire democracy-threatening warning for all Americans. Enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages is the root of all fascism and fascist adjacent ism’s. In fact, according to research I’m right now conducting entirely inside my own head, enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages indicates narcissism, capitalism, patriarchy, colonialism, and privilege.

Enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages means you’re out to end free elections, our Constitution, and the whole of America in a bloodbath insurrection on Day One. It’s plain and clear to any American endowed with echo chamber intelligence that enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages is an existential threat to democracy.

Enjoying and partaking of coffee and coffee-based beverages makes you Hitler. You disgusting bigot.

The woke logic is unimpeachable.