I’ve got myself an Honesty Gun and a clip full of Truth. Don’t be stupid around me or I’ll empty the whole goddam clip in your ass.

Guilt is like water. You can’t make it any wetter than it already is.

Lying here with my new friend Jennie, and she is interested in how I differentiate betwixt “revenge” and “vengeance.” For me, revenge serves only to have oneself feel better and is never lasting. Conversely, vengeance centers on unserved justice with the intent of keeping hurting and wrongdoing from ever happening again. Ever. She thinks I’m kind of too clever with words.

If a pit bull decides to hump your leg rather than maul your throat open, take it as a compliment and let him finish.

I’m going to start my own country, Stevoslavia, and I’m going to compose a national anthem that’s 53 minutes long. That way when I win a gold medal at the Olympics, the losers will have to sit there and listen to my song for almost an hour before they can leave.