How many times do you think Darth Vader has puked all over his own face?

That woodoo-hide polished helmet can’t be taken off without him dying, so says Luke Skywanker (purposeful misspelling) towards the end of ‘Return of the Jedi’.

Given the choices of puking all over my own face and dying, I feel I’d go ahead and puke all over my own face. If an Imperial general makes a comment like, “Lord Vader, your voice sounds weird. Did you, like, puke all over your own face? And why does the Death Star smell like chicken masala?”, the Dark Lord of the Sith can say, “No, no, I’m, uh, it’s the battery in my electro-voice box thing, you have to change the battery every autumn like a fire detector or I sound all funky like this.” Or, just fucking Force Choke the Imperial general.

And there is no question he’d get puke on his face. Out of his mouth, splashed off the inside of the mask, right on to Vader’s face.

Social embarrassment aside, there are other practical considerations that are less hilarious than puke all over his face and more hilariously lethal. Without a drainage system engineered into the mask keeping him alive, and there’s no reason Emperor Palpatine would have this foresight (except for urine and explosive dysentery), that puke all over his face . . . well, we’ve all heard you can drown in one inch of water. How about a life-sustaining face mask full of puke that can’t be drained?

Headline:

Dark Lord of the Sith Drowns in Regurgitated Chicken Masala

You know those product warnings on the box?

WARNING: DO NOT USE HAIR DRYER IN SHOWER.

WARNING: DO NOT IRON PANTS WHILE WEARING THE PANTS.

WARNING:  DO NOT PUKE ALL OVER YOUR OWN FACE WHILE WEARING LIFE-SUSTAINING DARK LORD OF THE SITH MASK.

WARNING: DO NOT MAKE FUN OF ANY SITH WHILE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PUKE ALL OVER THEIR FACE. EXTREME CHOKING HAZARD.

I know what I’m getting Darth for Christmas. A puke snorkel for his mask. His gift to me could be to Force Choke this spiky-headed girl and save me the trouble of reporting ethics violations to her credentialing board.

It’s cool, me accepting his Force Choke gift. I’ve always got a toe or two standing in the SHADOW of the DARK SIDE. Shadow of the Dark Side. Led Zepplin album? I don’t know that band all that well, which means not at all.