For the record, I don’t hate cats. A cat is not a pet I will ever have (allergies plus a more existential reason for not wanting to be around cats). This isn’t hating cats, though. Mostly, it’s just fun to torment cat owners who are a breed unto themselves.

For example, I can say, “Your dog is an idiot.” A dog owner will reply, “Yep, and he’s an adorable idiot. Let me tell you about the stupid stuff he did just today.”

I can say, “Your cat is an idiot.” And the cat owner will reply, “You just don’t understand cats, they think on a different level as other animals, including humans, and what seems stupid to a human is a cat being very intelligent in its own way.”

No, your cat is an idiot. It keeps licking the waffle iron after you just finished making a waffle.

Most cat owners, especially cat owners who have a cat photo for their account profile snap, are cat apologists by nature and are morally and mortally wounded by any criticism of a cat. This is fertile ground for my metaparaquasi-sadism. Easy entertainment.

If pressed, how I feel about cats is nothing. I nothing cats.