February 21, 2018.
I wrote the following blog last April and never posted it. Because I was confused. Because I was hesitant. And because if I did post it, my subconscious would be betraying what I already knew the first day I met Clare. I had fallen in love with someone worthy of my love.
So here are the ramblings from that evening I was writing this. Clare Clarissa Castellano. Let’s get a pizza and talk about things we don’t want that we really do.
This is a recently added photo (like, right now) not in the original post from last April. This was taken on the trip described below.
I’ve got this new friend Clare. Charee introduced at bowling, and I was doing my best to show off and score big. On the bowling lane. Not with Clare. Or Charee.
Clare is amazing. She leads two teams as mentor at Molina, working with higher needs peers as a Care Coordinator. It’s the work of angels and warriors. She’s got that passion I admire, where you care so much it hurts. What a rarity.
She’s an artist on top of this. I don’t have any snaps handy, so I have to tell you she does incredible make up things with her eyes. Not that she needs it. Her eyes are those kind of eyes you can build a world in, there’s so much to discover.
It’s funny. I told Clare I might be going to work at Molina, and later that night Charee asked if she could give Clare my number “in case I have any questions about Molina.” Sure, I said. Give her my number in case she has any questions about a rock. Charee couldn’t stop laughing. Yes, I was being a wise ass. Turns out Clare thinks I;m pretty funny.
So get this. Last night Clare sent me a text saying, “I know this is going to sound weird, but you are my heart and my soul.” It didn’t sound weird. But dammit, I just got out of a thing with that Rasma demon, and I don’t want to lose Clare from my life because, as 100% statistical certainty prevails, I fuck up relationships.
It’s confusing. I’ve got a great friend, though. I can’t imagine ever losing her as my friend. She’s the kind of person you make great efforts to keep in your life forever, and I plan on living a long time, and even though she keeps telling me she has dreams where she is certain she will die young, I tell her I’ll be around regardless and will take whatever time I can get to know her heart and soul better.I really hope she doesn’t die young, although she’s already shown and I’ve shown we don’t have the capacity or desire to lie to each other. I really am not used to anything this healthy.
She’s totally wired about me winning this Lifetime Achievement Award. I didn’t really think I earned it, but weird, being with Clare has got me believing in myself and my win, even though Rasma nominated me. Clare said I did the work, and I was only lukcy Rasma was paying attention. It’s weird. Being with Clare I feel proud of myself again. Wow.
There are a couple of other things Clare said to me, and says to me with regularity. She says that one day she will disappear and people will keep me from her. She also said that she’s a runner and is afraid if we’re together she’ll find a reason to sabotage the relationship. But she made me promise no matter what I will find her and fight for her to stay with me. Mixed messages. I told her I’ll never give up and will scorch the earth to find her. One thing, though, is she was as drunk as the night I first brought her to my home, the day I learned what a selfish, mean jackass her dad is. I don’t relish meeting him. Clare made me promise not to tell him off, that she only drinks when her anxiety is too high. Telling her dad off would increase her anxiety, and she would do it herself in her own time. I get it. Everyone gets there in their own time. Still, I don’t know if I can pretend to like the guy. For Clare, I’ll try.
Yeah, I’ve made up my mind. I can’t risk losing her. She is precious, and I fuck up romantic relationships every fucking time. To lose someone who believes in me the way Natalie, my Mom and Carlee did is too much to lose. But dammit, she is so f’ing cute. Tiny little thing. She calls herself a “chubby little Hua Hua”. Being around her makes me want to be more, and I can’t risk losing that. Something really cool is she went out into the wilds of New Mexico with me on my favorite holiday, April 1. WEird… she doesn’t know me that well and she trusted me not to hurt her. I believein her that much, too. That is the making of an incrdible friendship I want to have forever.
I hope she’s wrong. I hope she doesn’t die young. I hope people doen’t take her from me and hurt her. I hope we don’t have a falling ou where she runs. I’ll do everything I ever promise her, and I feel like making promises to her because they would not be wasted on someone who doesn’t value this gift.
So we visisted a haunted school. We collected Permian confier fossils. We drove through a cult compound. And she accurately sussed out the “hangin’ tree”. I’ll write about our adventure later. It helped her feel better about losing her grandmother. And it helped me feel proud, happy, and alive again. In over a year. She helps me with direction.
I should make her a copy of my award. She never said it. She believes in me. I don’t want to lose her my from my life. The quickest way to do that is to date her. I will keep every promise I make her (I’ve already made four), and I’ll scorch the earth if anyone ever hurts her. Anyone.
Clare is amazing. And intuitive. And Insightful. I can’t hide anything from her and I don’t want to. She knows me and who, what, and I am I am with her. I’m lucky to have such a great friend so fast.Thanks Charee!