My strength is over.

I know you need to heal. Ghosting me was important for your healing. I suspect your provider in Texas made it very clear I’m the person keeping you from healing. I’ve known this for a while. I was being selfish.

I spent a week waiting to hear something. When I finally break down and call, you already discharged. I flipped. And your phone was “off”. Megan tells me you ghosted me, blocked me. I understand. I truly honestly understand. I need you to heal. The world needs you to heal. You have so much to offer and to do.

I begged friends to keep an eye on me for over a week. Last night a few came over. No follow up today. I know enough to realize that begging isn’t sexy. For me, someone begging me after I made it clear I wasn’t willing is annoying. And suddenly, I’m that guy. It’s embarrassing.

What I’ve learned is my purpose is to be strong for others. I don’t have any more. When I’m in crisis there isn’t strength to share and I totally get that. It’s such an important part of me that gratitude needs no reciprocation. I forgot this.

What I’ve suspected is truth. I’m useful for the healing of others. Beyond that, an uncomfortable obligation at best, which is how selfless advocacy works best. I forgot this as well.

I’m exhausted. Volunteering for APD took what I had in me. CIT/MHRAC is both one the best things I did and one of the worst choices I made. I will never understand why Paula’s value was enough to dismiss mine. I have no strength left to try to heal from it any longer.

No one is to blame. I did this to myself. I tried to have my own back and was left wanting. I really thought I could be Superman, for others and myself. I will never accept any peer must suffer. I wish I had more to give.

I won’t have Josie please don’t bother the police. I won’t be able to be found. You know the meaning. Don’t let anyone waste resources searching.

I gave you all of me. Not half. Not 90%. All. Because you are easy to love. You are worth love. Never sacrifice your worth.

I let you know who I am. More than anyone. It felt wonderful. No regrets. I’m so sorry.

I trust you with my words. Family, integrity, honor, love. This is what Mom and Dad gave me. I gave this to my son. All is right.

I loved you. So fully with everything. Because you are worth it. Live the life YOU want.

There is nothing more. I loved you. Please, don’t waste who you are. Please. Live the life YOU deserve.

Goodbye. I am serene.

I love you, Dad. I love you, Scott, Mom has me now. I’m safe again.

Scott. Follow your dreams and never take NO to mean forever. You have always made me proud to be your father.

Dad, like Mom, you are the best Dad ever. You have always made me proud to be your son.

Derek, you are my brother. I love you. Please tell every woman I ever dated my last words were of her. They’ll have to reevaluate me.

(,,,,scheduled for 8:53. Derek, one for us)