Donating money to the Salvation Army in those red buckets out front of Target, where the dude bundled up like some craggy Dickensian character is ringing a bell, just doesn’t make me feel that holiday festive anymore. Needed is a bikini-clad, nubile, buxom young vixen shakin’ that bell. That’s a charity I can get behind. Take all my money, you frisky minx.

Enjoy my Christmas patriarchal toxic phobia-ism. Merry Christmas and to all a good night!