Back in college, although not studying genetics, I successfully isolated the gene that made my friend Hugh come over and eat the entire freaking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

It’s a rare genetic disorder that manifested as Hugh proclaiming, “I’m warning you now, if you leave out that bag of Doritos, I’m warning you, I’ll eat the whole thing. I’m warning you. You’ve been warned. I won’t be held responsible.” And the disorder further manifested as Hugh eating the entire freaking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

I, too, have a genetic disorder, which manifested as, “I’m warning you now, if you leave out your girlfriend, I’m warning you, I’ll seduce her and steal her away from you. I’m warning you. You’ve been warned. I won’t be held responsible.”

That day forth, Hugh brought his own bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. His girlfriend he ceased bringing.