Poor sweet sweet 5G. Barely out of the shrink wrap and already unappreciated, abused, and accused. You know that coronavirus thing people keep yammering on about? Kind of strange how just as 5G rolled out COVID-19 had already toured the world for four months. That’s just too coincidental for any logical liking. And the universe is never lazy enough for coincidence.

Someone better get on social media and tell others of the fearful 5G. Others must know this sinister purveyor of electromagnetic doom is at fault for COVID-19….. and 5G is also at fault for my shoe coming untied last night at Walmart in the tortilla aisle while I was hitting on this luciously alluring buxom young lass but when she removed her surgical mask to kiss me she was handsome actor James Woods and not a luciously alluring buxom young lass….. and 5G is at fault for the untalented plague known as Justin Bieber as well. Naturally so.

Poor mistreated 5G electromagnetism. The darling isn’t even eating solid food yet.

But this isn’t a new thing. Innocuous EM as a villain – today it’s 5G – is a go-to explanation for the world’s conspiracy fables. Powerlines cause cancer. Microwave towers cook birds in flight. Psychotronic torture creates serial killers. Jimmy Hoffa shot President Kennedy with a magnetic rail gun – engineered from Juicy Fruit gum wrappers, AAA battery drippings, and mystical fairy farts – whilst riding a solid gold unicorn with a mane of frozen sunshiine and eyes gleaming like magically delicious Skittles enshrined in lime jello with carrots. Yes, this is the mightiest of steeds born to be an accomplice to assassination.

The word “assassination” has two asses in it.

The real problem is not nefarious schemes and unsavory backstabbery from on high. The problem is people are isolated durimg this pandemic, and people isolated come up with the best conspiracy theories as their mind aches for a savior from boredom and solitude.

5G, bioweapons, purposeful impeachment diversion. Tada! Being isolated means a person is all alone with their thoughts with no one nearby to slap the idiocy out of their skull before it strengthens and emboldens and takes root.

And now, with a newly minted conspiracy myth firmly rooted, it’s off to Facebook and beyond.

And then the myth reaches other people isolated and psychotic from lomeliness and Seinfeld reruns to whom unsubstantiated lunacy is the epitome of plausible.

And then I hear the nonsense and am compelled to write this pointless article because I am a person isolated and just as bored only I have useful medication to stave off insanity and these other people isolated do not. I retain rationality. They do not. Score Steve.

Silver lining: In the absence of movie theaters, burger joints, live concerts, ice skating, frisbee ultima, and Meow Wolf, conspiracy theories are the closest thing to fresh entertainment we can get. And of all the newly fabricated conspiracy fairy tales about COVID-19, this disturbingly and easily entertaining myth of lethal 5G is the gold medal blue ribbon pick of the litter.

Just know, people isolated will continue to be people isolated and more paranoid nonsense is yet to arrive. Yay for us and our delivery from the shared imposition of quarantined boredom.

My guess for the next conspiracy? It’ll do with C19, antivaxers, and sporadic explosive adult incontinence. Hoard up on quilted antiviral three-ply Charmin before it’s gone!

Too late!

Hold up … why are people panic buying and hoarding toilet paper? Do they know something the rest of us don’t? And how did they come about this crucial classified information? It must be through clandestine communication…….

USING 5G!!!!!!!!!

For my friend Jerald, Champion of the Gaia Hypothesis.