Tonight at SUTS peer support group I shared the tale of my two month manic escalation which culminated in hurting Bex (not just last week . . . for two months) and of lesser dramatic importance throwing my mobile phone in the river. Because I had already shared the phone skipping tale at our Tuesday group I chose to share more about how manic symptoms were popping up everywhere for two months and what types of texts I sent to Bex.
I was very embarrassed by this and at a support group where manic texting and intoxicated phone calls are a common life experience I was able to admit to my failures and how this is now wisdom for future crisis diversion. During group, two topics were spawned from my story.
The first is the group assured me this was not a failure on my part. It’ll be tough to convince me of this. Still, one peer said, “I come to group because of you, Steve. You are always kind and generous and you would never be cruel to people you love and even people you hate. You’re always strong for us let us be strong for you.”
Pardon me for a monent. I’m sopping up tears from my keyboard using my newly tear-stained pillow. Just a moment more.
The other topic, coming from peers who do not share the joy of manic episodes, is why I said such horrible things to Bex – such as questioning her sincerity of loving me – if I didn’t mean what I said.
The follow up question was, “If you don’t know then who does?”
I’ve shared this so many times and it’s worth revisiting. I wish I did know why my brain betrays and robs me of my essence, my core, my being. If I knew, I would use this insight thusly in keeping myself from hurting my Bex.
And sometimes it’s easier to remember I’m forgiven already and simply ask for grace. However, if you start hurling “mysterious ways” nonsense at me I’m going to kick you in the neck. Nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly state kicking someone in the neck is a mortal crime.
In the Village Inn parking lot my friend Brian shared my intellect and language skills are a gift. He didn’t read the texts to Bex. I explained to Brian I’d trade in this gift for tongue-tied ignorance just to keep me from hurting people with my words. He understood exactly what I was explaining. It’s so impossible apologizing for the hurt I create.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it’s dead.